Category Archives: King of the Hill


King of the Hill Part Eight

 Part OnePart TwoPart Three, Part Four, Part Five, Part Six, Part Seven

So, I woke up, again, and when my eyes finally focused on the tragedy that I saw around me, I was horrified by what I saw. It looked like all of the monsters were dead. I did a quick count and figured that some of them must have taken off but the majority of them where dead. The only problem was there were a lot of fallen agents, too. I scanned the bodies as quickly as I could, searching for Kelly, but I didn’t see her there.

“She got away,” the man in the trench coat informed me. Well, I wasn’t sure if he was a man. He was standing over me. “She is a sneaky one.”

I looked around again. “Did you do all of this?”

“Not most of it. That was all of you. I just came in and cleaned up.”


“Why what, Wes?” He bent down in front of me probably to create the illusion that he wanted to hear me better.

“Why are all the monsters meeting? Why did you let some of the agents go? Why did you kill some of the monsters?”

He stood back up straight and chuckled.

“So many questions,” he said to himself quietly. “The monsters got careless. They should have never been discovered nor should they have attempted to kill you. They needed to be punished. And I did not let your friends go, they escape.”

“You could have stopped them.”

He just smiled.

“Anyway,” he continued, “I cannot let them get to you, not yet. I have plans for you Wes Parker.”

He walked up to me and stood in front of me, making himself appear as tall as he could. And he was tall.

“As for why are all of the monsters meeting together, you will find out soon enough,” he promised me.

I just tried to control my breathing. I know that he wasn’t going to kill me right then and there but that didn’t mean I wasn’t afraid of what he could do to me. It wasn’t very often that I was actually afraid of something, that I was afraid I might not live. This guy had me on the verge of shaking.

“Relax,” he demanded. “I’m not going to kill you here.” See how he said here? “I think I have overstayed my welcome. Goodbye.” He was gone in the blink of an eye.

For the longest time I just sat there, unwilling to move. I knew something was coming, I knew that that guy was the head of whatever it was, but I was terrified of what that was. I had a pretty good idea but I don’t think I was ready to admit what that was. Instead I found it much more comforting—it was hardly comforting at all—to just leave and go back to the motel.

Roy was sitting on the bed, watching something on TV. When I walked through the door he sat up quickly and moved toward the end of the bed.

“Jesus,” he said. “What happened to you?”

“I had a long day,” I informed him.

“Yeah, I know.”

We sat there for a second, letting me take some time to gather my thoughts.

“So what happened?” he asked me.

I took in a deep breath and then let out a long, exaggerated sigh, really trying to express what I was feeling. I turned to him.

“We’re screwed…”

King of the Hill: Part Eight

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Posted by on July 30, 2014 in King of the Hill


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King of the Hill Part Seven

Part OnePart TwoPart Three, Part Four, Part Five, Part SixPart Eight

 As we ran toward our apparent deaths, I felt an overwhelming feeling of rage. It seemed like it came out of nowhere. I was mad that I needed Kelly’s help to fight a group of monsters. I was mad that this many monsters were gathering, something they have never done before, and I didn’t know why. I was mad that even if we did manage to kill the monsters Kelly and her team were just going to try to take me in anyway. So either way I was going to have problems no matter who won. Unless, of course, I was killed. Then I wouldn’t have to worry about it at all.

Kelly and her team started firing at the monster, actually managing to take some of them out. Most of them, however, were either too fast or too big to even notice. The minotaurs weren’t even phased when they were hit by a bullet and just kept charging down.

Eventually all of us met partway up the hill, or partway down if you were in the monster’s perspective, and we collided just like you see in the movies. Well, sort of like the movies. In reality I was really the only one who met the monsters head on. I don’t blame the humans for being afraid. If I didn’t have the power that I did I might be a sissy too.

One of the basilisks attacked me with a troll right behind it. The snake monster slashed with its curved sword at my head but I ducked out of the way. That was when the troll swung its giant club and nailed me right in the face. My whole body jerked backwards and I was actually lifted in the air by the sheer force of the swing. When I landed I immediately rolled out of the way. I knew the basilisk was going to attack me and he did, but because I saw that coming I was able to move out of the way in time.

As I rolled out of the way I swung my axe and chopped the thing in half. It started wiggling around and convulsing while it hissed in pain. It was a horrible thing to see but I thought it was hilarious. Hey, if it were me in the same position it would be feeling the exact same way.

The troll that gave me a bloody nose took another swing at me but I jumped to the left. Then I leapt at it and buried my weapon into its chest.

The battle raged on and many monsters fell. I did notice that some of Kelly’s agents were lying on the ground too but I knew there was going to be some casualties. I tried to ignore that, though. I didn’t have time to worry about that right then.

“Wes!” I heard Kelly shout. I searched through the crowd and found her pinned down by one of the ogres. It didn’t look to good for her.

I darted across the hill as quickly as I could and then tossed one of my axes right at the ugly monster. It hit the thing in the arm so it reeled back away from Kelly. I then swung my axe up and severed its head. Some blood poured onto Kelly but she didn’t care. I kicked the ogre off her and helped her up.

“Thanks,” she said.

“No problem,” I replied.

“We seem to be winning.”

“Amazingly. Power by numbers.”


“You guys get good training huh?”

“That we do.”

One of the trolls broke up our little conversation by knocking me into a tree. I left a crack in the old oak and it started to tip. Before I was squished I jumped out of the way and, funny enough, it actually landed on the ogre. It didn’t kill him but it certainly knocked him out. Kelly had jumped out of the way. We both just nodded and re-joined  the battle.

As the fight continued monsters continued to fall—as did some of the agents. I had no idea that when I had woken up that day that I was going to be in an all out battle.

Another basilisk tried to kill me and, after a little back and forth with a couple cuts to me, the basilisk fell to the ground. I was certainly enjoying that I was able to kill a bunch of monsters.

All of sudden there was an eerie calm on the mountain and all of the monsters stopped fighting. All of us looked around trying to figure out why they had stopped and that is when I saw him. The guy that had been popping in and out of my life was there. He stalked down the hill towards me with his trench coat and hat he always had on, covering his face.

I knew this guy was bad, I’ve fought with him before, but why did all the monsters stop fighting when he showed up? Anyone who had that much power over that many monsters, scared the crap out of me.

Without even wasting a second he attacked me. He moved so fast I had trouble keeping up with him. A block here and a punch there. I was getting beat up, bad.

I went to cut him down with my axe but he blocked me with his right arm and then hit me in the head. Guess what? I was knocked out again…

King of the Hill: Part Seven

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Posted by on July 28, 2014 in King of the Hill


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King of the Hill Part Six

Part OnePart TwoPart ThreePart Four, Part Five, Part SevenPart Eight

There I was at the end of my life. Just kidding. Did you really think that I was going to die? How would I be writing all of this down if I was dead? Every time I have to remind you. Maybe I should stop reminding you. Redundancy is annoying, isn’t it?

The minotaur held his newly acquired spear on my right shoulder, threating to take off my head.

“Goodbye, Wes Parker,” he said.

“Goodbye,” I echoed.

As it swung the spear at my head I rolled backward and swung my axe up. I managed to connect with the minotaur and the end result was definitely not pretty. He was dead. I still had the rest of the monsters to deal with, though. I had once chance of getting away from them.

I threw my hands up and let out a beam of light, temporarily blinding them and giving myself a window of escape. Before I ran, I chopped down three monster, thinning their numbers ever so slightly. And then I ran. I couldn’t just run down to the bottom of the mountain and run away because I had to keep them away from people. Also I needed to be where Kelly’s team expected me to be. I hoped that she would understand the severity of the situation and send enough people to handle it.

Tree after tree I passed as I distanced myself from the angry mob of monsters. I was clearly outmatched. I knew that I could take down a lot of them but in the end I would be on the losing side. I had never faced a force so great before. It was a little overwhelming. It wasn’t going to stop me, however.

I must have reached closer to the bottom of the mountain than I realized because all of a sudden I found myself surrounded by a bunch of agents. They all had their weapons aimed directly at me so I raised my hands up in surrender. There was somewhere under 50 of them. It was a lot but I had the feeling that it wasn’t going to be enough.

“Don’t shoot,” I pleaded, jokingly. “I’m not the bad guy here.”

“Guns down,” said a female voice. It was Kelly. She walked up to me wearing a leather, Black-Widow looking outfit. She looked hot. The outfit was extremely impractical but I didn’t really care about that. I wasn’t the one who was going to have to fight in it.

“You are looking great,” I cracked.

“Really?” she asked me.


“Focus, Wes.”

“I’m focused.”

“Where are they?”

“I’m not completely sure,” I admitted. “I sort of lost them.”

“How did you lose them?” She seemed mad. Why would she be mad?

I stared at her for a second, appalled at the fact that she would be angry at me for losing the monsters.

“Well,” I began, “to avoid getting pummeled to death and then possibly eaten, I ran for my life. I had no idea when you guys would be getting here.”

“Are you telling me that the great Wes Parker, Slayer of Dragons, can’t handle a couple of monsters?” she asked me, mockingly. Just a reminder, in the last issue I fought and killed two dragons.

“Very funny.”

That’s when they showed up. All of the monsters were up the hill, looking down at us.

“Whoa,” said Kelly. “You weren’t kidding.”

“I never do,” I replied. That was a bold face lie. I always joke.

It was a classic standoff. Both groups just stood there, waiting for one of the other to do something. I looked back and forth between the monsters and Kelly’s team.

“I don’t like to play waiting games,” I informed them. Then I took off towards the monsters, with Kelly and her agents in tow. The monsters shared our enthusiasm and started charging toward us. This was really going to be interesting…

King of the Hill: Part Six

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Posted by on July 24, 2014 in King of the Hill


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King of the Hill Part Five

Part OnePart TwoPart Three, Part FourPart Six, Part SevenPart Eight

I spun around slowly, trying to find some gap to escape through, but there was nothing. I was literally trapped. All of the monsters moved closer and closer but when they were about 15 feet away from me they stopped. Waiting patiently, I expected for them to attack me at any second but one of the minotaur stepped forward.

“Wes Parker,” it said. I think it was a he. His voice was deep and raspy.

“How do you guys always know who I am?” I asked.

“You’re the only paladin left.”

“Good point.”

“You’ve stumbled into the wrong place.”

“I kind of got that impression about five minutes ago. What are you guys doing up here anyway? I’ve never seen any of you guys gathered together like this. Except for the werewolves and the vampires I ran into a few weeks back.”

“That is not a concern of yours.”

“Well, it kind of is. I sort of have to kill you all.”

They all started laughing. Some of it sounded like laughter. The rest of it sounded like a mixture of barking and choking.

“You are in no position to kill anyone.”

I just sighed.

“Yeah,” I began, “I guess not. But even if you guys do kill me I am going to take down some of you with me. Plus I have an uncanny ability to get out of bad situation. I’ve dealt with worse than this.”

“You have a big mouth,” he told me. “I think I will take care of you myself.”

I smiled. “Come and get me.” Was that lame? I don’t think that was too lame.

The monster charged me with its spear held high. It took a quick, massive swing at me but I ducked and rolled out of the way. As I came up I swung my axe and cut the minotaur’s leg. It howled, more in anger than in pain, and then thrust his spear down at me. I hopped backwards to avoid being impaled. With speed and strength I kicked the spear, breaking in right in half.

“Is this the best you’ve got?” I asked. I never really do learn to keep my mouth shut. I wonder if it had to do with me witnessing my parents’ death and having to learn to live my life without them or if it was just my natural progression as a teenager? Either way I was never like this before that happened. I never talk about what happened to my parents much but it really does piss me off.

Anyhow, I must have forgotten that I was surrounded by a large group of monsters. One of them, I didn’t get the chance to figure out who, whacked me in the back of the head, hard. I toppled to the ground. That was twice I took a blow there in less than ten minutes. I don’t know how I haven’t gotten a concussion at some point in my life. Maybe I have.

I went to stand back up when another monster came in to attack me, but I was ready for it so I kicked myself up and cut the thing’s head off. Another one was right behind it though and kicked me right in the neck. Have you ever been kicked in the neck? It sucks.

Struggling to breath I stumbled to the ground again and that’s when another monster decided to pummel me right in the stomach. These a-holes were letting me have it.

“Like I said, Wes,” the minotaur began, “you hiked up the wrong mountain.”

“You did,” I coughed. He kicked me in the head, really sending me spinning.

That was it, my final moments. I was surround by who knows how many monsters, with a giant half bull, half man standing over me, spear in hand.

“This is the end for you,” he said.

I pulled myself up into a kneeling position. Well folks, this was it. There was no way that I was going to get out of this one…

King of the Hill: Part Five

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Posted by on July 21, 2014 in King of the Hill


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King of the Hill Part Four

Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part FivePart Six, Part SevenPart Eight

I didn’t get knocked out. I was a little disoriented from being pummeled in the back of the head but I was still conscious. I was being dragged and when I looked up I could see that it was an ogre that was pulling me. I needed to get out of there and I needed to do it fast.

The basilisk was walking behind us, ready to stop me when I tried to do something. So, I had to be quick about it.

As quickly as I could, I flashed the beam of light out of my hands, which distracted them just like I needed it to. I then managed to get one foot free and used my other foot to kick the ogre in the head. Then I rolled back and kicked the basilisk in the chest with both of my feet. The snake rolled backwards until it slammed into a tree.

I cut down the ogre first and then went after the basilisk but all of the other monsters must have heard us because they were heading towards me. Before I could kill the snake monster, one of the minotaurs threw a spear at me with ridiculous speed. I barely made it out of the way in time. I did though of course, but it was time to run.

With as much speed as I could muster I ran down the mountain, trying to get away from the large mob of creatures that were definitely going to kill me. Somehow I managed to put enough distance between them and I so that I could lose their trail. Yes they do have a keen sense of smell but we paladins don’t put off a scent.

When I knew I was safe enough I whipped out my phone and made the call I had no intention of making.

“Where are you?” Kelly asked me as soon as she answered.

“Look,” I began, “forget about whatever you want with me for right now.”

I explained what was happening.

“Are you kidding me?” She was shocked. Anyone would be.

“Unfortunately I’m not,” I assured her.

“You need to get out of there.”

“I agree but that isn’t going to be easy. Plus, we can’t just let them run amuck.”

“I know. We can do what we did with the werewolves?”

“Not a chance. There are way too many people around the mountain.”

“What do you suggest?”

I took in a deep breath and let out a long sigh.

“I need you guys to come out here,” I admitted.

She didn’t say anything for a few seconds. “We’ll be there within the hour.”

“I don’t really know if I have an hour.”

“You’re going to have to.”

She then hung up the phone. How were they able to travel around so quickly?

There was a rustle from the bush behind me, so I whipped around with my axes ready at my side. There was nothing there, though.

I called Roy.

“Hey,” he said. “What did you find?”

I filled him in.

“You need to get out of there,” he said. “And then we need to get out of here.”

“Kelly’s team is on the way,” I said.

“Then we definitely need to get out of here.”

“I can’t just leave it all to them.”

“We can’t let them take us either.”

“Take me.”


“Can’t let them take me. They’re after me not you.”


“Listen.” I stopped short. I looked around and all of the monsters were completely surrounding me. There was no escape…

King of the Hill: Part Four

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Posted by on July 19, 2014 in King of the Hill


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King of the Hill Part Three

Part OnePart TwoPart FourPart FivePart Six, Part SevenPart Eight

I couldn’t believe my eyes. I know that things had been weird lately and there had been a lot more monster activity, not to mention that I didn’t even know that dragons existed, but this was completely off the charts. After counting there were four different types of monsters and a little over 30 combined. There were the ogres. Those guys were nothing like Shrek. They are kind of like trolls but smaller with more muscle, and they were a lot smarter. But their faces are just as ugly. Then there were some basilisks. Those monsters aren’t exactly as you would think. They are snakelike but they’re humanoid, so they can speak and have some intelligence—only some. And never look them in the eye directly. No. It’s not like in Harry Potter where they will kill you but they will drain any bit of happiness right out of you. Yes, I do know about Harry Potter. They are average height and thin, and they have fins on their head like a cobra and they are extremely quick. The third monsters were Minotaurs, which are pretty self-explanatory but for those of you who don’t know half man, half bull. The last on the list of monsters at this giant meeting were trolls. Luckily I didn’t see the head female troll I ran into last time. For reference please refer back to Under the Bridge.

It looked like they were having some sort of conversation. It seemed that they were getting along but my guess was they were arguing over dominance. My money was on the basilisks. They might be the smallest of the bunch but they were quick and strong. However, I didn’t want to stick around to find out. Roy was 100 percent right, I wasn’t going to be able to do this by myself. I was going to have to bite the bullet and call Kelly.

I turned around and walked down the mountain, away from the large crowd of monsters. I was one minute down the hill when I felt something sting my in the back on my right shoulder blade. That sting was a blade that a basilisk shoved into me. I know, I should have heard the thing coming a mile away. Did I mention that they were way too quiet?

With what I would call amazing speed I spun around and took a swing at the human like snake, but missed. I was fast but it was faster. It came up at me again and tried to stab me in the left shoulder in the front. I blocked it and pushed it out of the way but it still managed to cut my shoulder a little bit. I kicked the thing in the chest and then back-flipped away from it. I quickly checked my shoulders and could see they were fine.

“Paladin,” the thing hissed. “We felt you coming the moment you entered thissss town.” Its tongue popped in and out of its mouth as it talked.

“I bet you did,” I replied. “I could smell you from three states over.”

“Mind your tongue.”

“You should really watch yours. Stick it out too far and you might accidentally eat a bug.”

The basilisk lashed out at me and tried to cut me again, but this time I was ready for it. He or she—so hard to tell—might be faster than me but I was a whole lot stronger. I grabbed its arm, flipped it over my head, and then slammed it into the ground. I knew that if I held on I had the upper hand so I didn’t let go of him and continued to slam it around. Right it might be a she, sorry. I didn’t let go of him/her.

I took the monster and pinned it against the tree, squeezing the life out of it.

“This is ironic, isn’t it?” I asked.

It gurgled something.

“I’m choking a snake,” I continued.

Oh, yes they have tails. It used its tail to wrap around my waist and tore me off of it. I rolled across the ground but eventually ended up on my feet.

“You cannot sssstop usssss,” it informed me.

“You know,” I began, “that isn’t the first time I’ve heard that.”

“It will be the lassssst.”

It moved toward me so fast that I barely had any time to react. I did, though. When it went to kick me I blocked its leg with mine and then, with my leg already in the air, I kicked the snake into a bush.

“Is this it?” I asked.

It slowly got up but didn’t say anything.

“A whole group of monsters and they send just one of you?”

The basilisk smiled.

I should have learned. I really should have learned. I felt something hit me in the back of the head and I fell down…

King of the Hill: Part Three

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Posted by on July 14, 2014 in King of the Hill


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King of the Hill Part Two

Part OnePart ThreePart FourPart FivePart Six, Part Seven, Part Eight

Against my better judgment I continued up the giant hill. There were still many animals passing by me as I made the climb, and huge flocks of birds flying above. I have never seen animals act like that, except for in movies. And that usually meant that there was aliens or a big Earth changing storm was coming. I don’t think the ice age was coming and as far as I know there were no aliens. I’m not going to say aliens don’t exist. I think it would be pretty silly to think there isn’t alien life somewhere out in the universe I just don’t think there were any at the top of this mountain.

Eventually all of the animals were gone and it was just me. Once the sound of the stampede dissipated the forest was way too quiet. It was like those quiet moments when you know something terrible is about to happen. Of course, my life is all about monsters so I usually have those kinds of moments all the time.

My phone started to ring. I kept it on vibrate but it was still audible on the quiet mountain.

“Hey,” I said, into the phone.

“You find anything yet?” Roy asked me.

“No, but I think I’m in the right place.”

“Why do you say that?”

Wes quickly explained to Roy what was happening. Wes? Did I just refer to myself in the third person? Maybe this isn’t Wes Parker. Maybe I am just the figment of someone’s imagination just for pure entertainment. Ha, just kidding. Would I make this stuff up? Anyway, back to reality.

Roy was silent for a couple of seconds.

“I know you’re a paladin and everything,” he began, “but this sounds like something that you either walk away from or get some help.”

“I never walk away,” I informed him. “And who’s going to help me, you? I can’t call Kelly because she’s a little angry about me being on TV.”


“She’ll get over it.”

We stayed silent for a bit as I continued the walk up the mountain. He was probably right. Whatever was at the top of the mountain was probably more than I could handle, but I always got myself into terrible situations. So, I wasn’t going to just walk away from this one.

“Look,” I began, “I’ve been in worse situations. I can handle this.”

“I can’t stop you,” Roy pointed out.

“No, you can’t.”

I hung up the phone.

Then, again, I started walking back up the mountain, heading toward my inevitable doom. I started to think that maybe it was elves again. That would certainly explain the odd behavior of all the animals. But it would be way too coincidental that they were in the mountains again. Plus the last time that I had a run-in with the elves it didn’t end too well. So, here’s to hoping.

What if it were ghosts? Ghost would send animals into a fritz, especially if there were a lot of them. Oh please don’t let it be ghost.

A few hours later I was nearing the top of that mountain. I don’t know how high the mountain was but I can move really fast so it didn’t take me that long, I think. I could hear some chanting coming from the top of the mountain. I stopped, weary of what was ahead of me. It sounded loud and it sounded like there was a lot of whatever it was.

I crept up to the top and then stayed hidden behind a tree. I looked on in shock. Not only was there a crap ton of monsters, but there was a crap ton of different kinds of monster. They were all gathered and it looked like they were getting along. This was worse than the vampires and werewolves. I really was screwed…

King of the Hill: Part Two

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Posted by on July 9, 2014 in King of the Hill


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