25 Sep

Vampire Assembly Line Part One

Part Two, Part Three, Part FourPart FivePart Six

I don’t know why I get myself into these awful situations. There was a vampire in front of me and a vampire behind me, both eager to feed on my blood. It was a full moon, the sky was clear and the night was cool—a perfect night for hunting. Now these weren’t your now-a-days vampires that you could date and were pretty and blah, blah, blah. These monsters wanted nothing but to drink my blood and were very, very ugly. I personally like myself the way I am so I was going to try and kill them first.

There are a lot of misconceptions about vampires, so let me go ahead and set the record straight; silver is no better than steel, holy water and a cross are no good unless you carve the cross into a steak. Stabbing it in the heart and cutting its head off will do the trick but then again, that will work on every other living creature in the world too. Sunlight is my favorite. Those things will light up so fast you would think they were covered in lighter fluid. Garlic will also hurt them, but it won’t kill them unless you get a lot of it in their bloodstream—and I mean a lot. There is one more that is extremely important. It might even save your life one day.

Let me paint a picture for you. You’re at home watching TV or whatever you normal people do, and you hear a noise outside. Like any horror movie you decide to go and investigate. Once you step out of the door you find a vampire in your front yard, eating your neighbor. The monster turns and looks right into your eyes. That’s when you remember that vampires can’t walk into a home unless it is invited, so you take a step back and you’re safe, right? Wrong. The vampire charges in and eats you. So what you do? Go into your kitchen and grab some window cleaner, it’s better than garlic. There’s some sort of ingredient in it that burns them like acid. If you don’t believe me, fine, let’s see what happens to you next time a vampire wanders into your home.

We were in the center of Indiana in some town in middle of the nowhere. I found them deep in the woods outside of a cave. Just kidding—about the woods and cave part, not Indiana. That would be ridiculous. I actually found them in an abandoned building just on the outskirts of town where no one ever visited—except adventurous kids. Vampires liked to nest in unpopulated areas just outside of populated areas, but they are never in the cities because they would be discovered.

I had my axes in my hands and my two Desert Eagles on my belt. There were other things I could use like a sword, maybe a shotgun, or even a two handed axe but honestly there is something that I liked about have dual axes. There were very sharp and I could wield them quickly. Plus they made me look like a badass. They did.

I was given the axes when I was much younger—actually I chose them but I was given a choice of a variety of different weapons. These ones really just spoke to me, so I took them. There was nothing really special about them except for the fact that they were so sharp that if you touched them they would cut your finger and they could never break. I loved them.

“Come on you disgusting freaks,” I taunted them. “Come on in real close so I can kill you.”

My hands gripped the axes tight, ready for the inevitable attack. One other thing I should mention to you is that vampires are very smart, very good hunters—years and years of instinct. They may have very limited speech and act like a monkey but it was all just a ruse. There was a vampire in front and behind me, so I should have known there was a third one somewhere. There always is.

“Oh crap,” I breathed.

The monster that was hiding came running up to me on my left and it was coming in fast. Sorry, another thing I should tell you is they are very fast. Have you ever seen a cheetah running at full speed? Well, multiply that by three and then you are halfway there. Plus, they were so strong that I once saw one pick up a car, honestly. Of course, I sliced its leg and watched the car crush it but that is neither here nor there.

The vampire jumped into the air and flew at me like a hawk, that is if hawks were human sized and liked to eat people. I lifted my right axe up to kill it but I was too late…

Vampire Assembly Line: Part One


Posted by on September 25, 2013 in Vampire Assembly Line


Tags: , , , , , ,

2 responses to “Vampire Assembly Line: Part One

  1. Jesse LaJeunesse

    April 8, 2014 at 2:56 am

    It’s funny; I’m so bored of vampires, so I love stories that remind me that all a writer has to do is utilize them in a non-standard and painfully derivative way to yank me back to the 90s and my Vampire: The Masquerade fang-loving days. Nice job. Love the window cleaner.

    • cjpikebooks

      April 8, 2014 at 11:59 pm

      I’ve always enjoyed vampires as bloodthirsty, feral monsters. We don’t need more sparkling teen romances. I’m glad you liked it.


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